Former Berklander - Accounts of the inside of Berkland and Gracepoint Fellowship Church in Berkeley

Gracepointisdangerous.com Will Be Down

2011-09-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

gracepointisdangerous.com is down indefinitely until further notice for maintenance/upgrades/redesign.

Well, I've Done It.

2010-06-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

I went ahead and did it, I created a domain and site with a new blog and also a message board.

http://gracepointisdangerous.com/

Read more on my blog there (front page).

Attacks On Our Blogs

2010-06-15T18:55:00.003-07:00

I find it plain dastardly what people have done to attack these blogs. It's one thing to have a debate or put your own material out there on the internet, but to attack someone else's blog site and deceive people is wrong. Sure, these are public blogs and public servicers, but even from an ethical standpoint, this is wrong.

I guess I can't present any proof that members of Berkland/Gracepoint did the attacking. For those who do not know, they broke into 1vois' account, assumed their identity, deleted the blog content, and posted comments to deliberately deceive and fool people by presenting a different blog site and email address, pretending to be 1vois. I can't really imagine a non Berklander/Gracepointer going to such great efforts to do this. Can you?

Also, I just want to clarify that I did make a duplicate blog on Wordpress. It was made by me, Older N Wiser. I just did that as a backup, since the blogs on Blogger were the ones attacked. Not sure if I want to switch to Wordpress yet. But since Blogger is owned by Google, some of us suspect it was an inside job.

So the question is: Do I want to shut mine down too? Absolutely not! Actually, now that this has happened, I am now fired up to actually set-up a real site with a message board and social media tools. I've always been reluctant to do this, but what has happened recently has frankly angered me so much that I have been re-motivated to do this. I just need to think of a good domain and service that will lock and hide/proxy my WHOIS info. Sorry for you non-tech folks out there, for that tangent.

Anyhow, please rest assured that I'm still here and own this. Let me know if you have any question or comments.

P.S. - I've also decided that before adding another blog to my Blog Roll, I will only do so after seeing several original posts that are critical of Gracepoint/Berkland, and being reassured that nothing has been copied or regurgitated from other blog posts, and just frankly just having a good gut feeling that the blog is genuine.

To Censor or not to Censor?

2010-06-01T20:08:00.003-07:00

I've often discussed and though a lot about the subject of censoring "bitter" comments by ex-BBC/Gracepoint members from my blog. There actually has not been much of that on this blog, but I see a lot on the other blogs that I link to (see right column).

On the one hand, you have some saying that such bitter ranting and use of angry profanity will only lessen our credibility as real and legitimate survivors of the spiritual abuse that was perpetrated at Berkland/Gracepoint. But on the other hand, and maybe it's my true American culture coming out, but censorship of any viewpoints will backfire and is hypocritical. Censorship is the tool of the group that is in power to suppress any dissenting voices. This is effectively how Berkland/Gracepoint came to, and has, such great power and tight-gripped control over the membership. That censorship may have been very active in some ways, and much more passive in others. But if we choose to censor any voices that do not fit perfectly into our agenda and point of view, in exactly the taste and fashion that we find palatable, we are in many ways guilty of that same sort of suppressive control that Berkland/Gracepoint wielded on us. Just because we believe our cause is just, doesn't make us more justified in censorship. Of course, these are our own blogs controlled by private persons, and we can go back and forth arguing about that point. This is just my own opinion.

I commented on a post on makestraight's blog a while back:

"IMO, anger can come across in different ways. Some use tirades and profanity. Some use systematic Biblical analysis. Both can be equally angry. But the anger is real and true, and there is validity there. We should not hide either, but promote more discussion. Everyone has to start from somewhere. We need to meet them there, not censor."

I stand by this statement.

Still Here

2009-11-12T22:06:00.003-08:00

I'm still here. I haven't run out of things to say. I do have a life, and thinking of or being bitter about my days at BBC/GFC does not rule me, THANK GOD!

I think that's what the leadership at Gracepoint may think about some of us -- that we have nothing better to do, and that we have so much hatred and bitterness, that we cannot just "let it go" and move on with our lives. To be fair, there are people like that. But all survivors of abuse, even after some healing and strengthening, feel a need to help and warn others. That is what this is. People who have survived cancer fight on and become a champion of cancer research. People who have survived domestic violence go on to empower and help victims. And, people who have survived spiritual abuse at Berkland and Gracepoint cannot just sit back and watch the same abuses being perpetrated.

An article in California magazine does not right a multitude of wrongs. I think I can speak for most ex-BBC/ex-GFC when I say that some of the quotes just made me sick to my stomach, while at the same time I felt very sorry for those poor students.

We should contact Don Lattin and tell him our side of the story.

Love Keeps No Record Of Wrongs

2009-08-27T12:16:00.002-07:00

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. [1 Cor 13:4-7, NIV]

How many times have you been rebuked by a Berkland / Gracepoint leader, only to be reminded of the record of your wrongs? Though it may not have been every time, I'm sure there were too many. I was reminded of this by a comment on one of the other blogs. It's very common to see a leader bring up a collection of these "wrongs" in order to build a case and stronger rebuke in the name of pointing out your "character flaws". Sure, a wise and caring leader should gently point out your flaws and guide you into being a better human being, especially if you ask for advice. And sure, Jesus rebuked harshly, he called Peter "Satan" after all. But he also washed his disciples' feet. Another thing - we are not Jesus, we can only strive to be like Him. My own opinion on the rebuking re: character flaws is that it's often unbridled annoyance under the guise of love. And to do it in public? Humiliating people in front of everyone? That's just wrong. What is appropriate in certain circumstances is the exposure of continual egregious offenses, according to the Bible. Even then, you don't try to humiliate the person, you expose them. It's happened so often that every member and ex-member of Berkland / Gracepoint knows the feeling -- feeling so terrible for that person while at the same time being scared that they will call on you to be publicly rebuked and humiliated next.

Public humiliation is one of the most common signs of an abusive church. I've read the book "Churches that Abuse" but the wikipedia article on the book does a good job of outlining the characteristics of an abusive church:

Control-oriented leadership

According to the book, "...experience with authoritarian leadership is, unfortunately, not unusual for people who have been a part of spiritually abusive groups. Control-oriented leadership is at the core of all such churches. These spiritual power holders become strong role models, and their dogmatic teaching, bold confidence, and arrogant assertiveness become powerful forces of influence. They use their spiritual authority to intimidate the weak and those who consider leaving their flock." (Page 42)

Spiritual elitism, perceived persecution

According to the book, "The spiritual elitism of abusive churches can be seen in some of the terminology they use to refer to themselves: "God's Green Berets," "God's End-Time Army," the "faithful remnant," the special "move of God." As one ex-member put it, "We believed we were on the cutting edge of what God was doing in the world. I looked down on people who left our movement; they didn't have what it took. They were not faithful to their commitment. When everyone else got with God's program, they would be involved in shepherding just like we were." ... If abusive churches are exclusive and special, it follows that they will be targets for persecution, or so their leaders seem to feel." (Page 61)

Manipulation of members, fostering dependency

According to the book, "Spiritually abusive groups routinely use guilt, fear, and intimidation as effective means for controlling their members. In my opinion, the leaders consciously foster an unhealthy form of dependency, spiritually and interpersonally, by focusing on themes of submission, loyalty, and obedience to those in authority. In all totalitarian environments, dependency is necessary for subjugation." (Page 53)

Life-style rigidity

According to the book, "Traditional evangelical churches value and respect individual differences. For the most part, they encourage people to become unique persons in their own right, not mere photocopies of someone else. Authoritarian, manipulative fringe groups, on the other hand, encourage clones and promote cookie-cutter life-styles. ... authoritarian churches demonstrate an excessive focus on such concerns. The restricted life-style and limits on personal freedom that follow are just other examples of the need to control that all abusive churches exemplify. Conformity to prescribed standards is achieved, more so than in mainline churches, through peer pressure and pastoral directives." (Page 54 and 70)

Emphasis on experience

According to the book, "Quite clearly, the excesses at Community Chapel demonstrate what can happen when spiritual experience dictates theology and then necessitates a re-interpretation of Scripture. Subjective experience takes care of the theological loopholes that the Bible seems not to address. The leadership of Community Chapel promoted the view that one could accept certain doctrines and practices if they could not be disproved from Scripture, rather than accept them because of a strong conviction they were right because they were taught in God's Word. It has been said that commitment without careful reflection is fanaticism in action, and that certainly was the case at Community Chapel." (Page 26)

Harsh discipline of members, information control

According to the book, "Virtually all authoritarian groups that I have studied impose discipline, in one form or another, on members. A common theme that I encountered during interviews with ex-members of these groups was that the discipline was often carried out in public-and involved ridicule and humiliation. ... Members of all abusive churches soon learn that the pastor or leader is beyond confrontation. ... Unwavering obedience to religious leadership and unquestioning loyalty to the group would be less easily achieved if analysis and feedback were available to members from the outside. It is not without reason that leaders of abusive groups react so strongly and so defensively to any media criticism of their organizations." (Page 78, 81, and 84)

Painful exit processes

According to the book, "leaving an abusive church situation can be extremely difficult, calling into question every aspect of life members may have experienced for the period of time they were involved. ... Leaving a restricted and abusive community involves what sociologists call the de-socialization process whereby the individual loses identification with the past group and moves toward re-socialization, or reintegration into the mainstream culture. There are a number of emotions and needs that emerge during this transition process. How one deals with these feelings and affective experiences has a significant impact on the overall healing that is required. Many have described the aftermath of abusive-church involvement as comparable to that of rape victims, or the delayed stress syndrome experienced by war veterans. It is recovery from what might be called spiritual rape." (Page 89 and 90)

Wow, Berkland/Gracepoint, check on every single one! Well, except maybe "Emphasis on experience" where you could find much more examples with Becky Kim.

It's very hard to rescue (for lack of a better word) current committed members because of the deep indoctrination. Not to mention how much they have staked on their lives being built around the church. To even think about leaving is a hard thing to do. I remember when I was deeply involved and confronted by friends and outsiders with questions about BBC/GFC and their practices. I would defend and defend, and truly believe it all. But if you are on the fence, read the above points. Be honest with yourself. Take a step back and don't let fear rule you. There's a big world out there, and God's church is huge.

Legalism and Policing Behavior at Berkland / Gracepoint

2009-08-07T19:45:00.007-07:00

The culture of "policing" behavior among peers at Berkland / Gracepoint is still alive and well. What is this "policing" that I talk about? It's basically this: your peers "telling on you". That's right, they tell on you. That is how a lot of rebuking happens at GFC. A peer might see you in some questionable circumstances or behavior, and alert his or her or your direct leader, in the name of concern or accountability. The concerned peer may actually believe that they are trying to help you (or not), but it's really a bigger problem of the culture of legalism at GFC.

Galatians 5:1-6 [NASB]
1 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. 2 Behold I, Paul, say to you that if you receive circumcision, Christ will be of no benefit to you. 3 And I testify again to every man who receives circumcision, that he is under obligation to keep the whole Law. 4 You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace. 5 For we through the Spirit, by faith, are waiting for the hope of righteousness. 6 For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but faith working through love.

The main problem with the Galatian church was that believers were struggling by falling back under Old Testament laws. Legalism is a problem that has existed from the beginning of the church, and Apostle Paul strongly corrected legalists of the day in his letter. Those legalists tried to make the Gentile believers keep the Jewish commandments of circumcision, the Ten Commandments, dietary restrictions, observance of special days; but Apostle Paul taught that we are no longer under the law but under grace.

Gracepoint Fellowship Church in Berkeley essentially has the same problem as the Galatian church. No, they do not practice Old Testament laws. But there are rules. These "rules" are not written down or spoken of. They are accepted patterns of behavior that give merit to a core member or staff. If you do not follow the accepted behavior, well, you must "not be serious about your relationship with God" or "not be very spiritual." In fact, there must be something "very wrong with you. " Let me be very specific. Things that would cause alarm with GFC leadership:

Not showing up for the "optional" prayer meeting. Of course, it's optional, but it's really not, because if you miss one, your leader will call you an ask you, "where were you?" and you might get rebuked harshly. I've witnessed this numerous times.
If there is a really great new book that the leadership (especially Kelly Kang) or staff is reading and you are not reading it, what is "wrong" with you? You better read it lest you must be uninterested in being spiritual.
If you dress a bit "flashy" (for Berkland/Gracepoint standards, this can be anything from high heels above 2", to faux leather jackets, to t-shirts with too much screen print, to sneakers that just "look too flashy" ) you really must have a problem with materialism. Even unconventional hair or makeup will leave you ostracized. This is why everyone looks the same at Berkland / Gracepoint.
If you're attending regularly and not taking Course 101 (or whatever is next in the series, or whatever the latest-greatest new course of the semester is), you must really be struggling or not serious about your faith.
If you're not taking notes during the message, you must not really care about the message, or about learning anything for that matter. Something must be wrong with you and you will be confronted by your leader if you are a core member. I've witnessed this many times.

I could probably list scores and scores more. But I don't want to make this post so long. Now, nothing is wrong with the actual actions (above). In and of themselves, most of the above actions are fine, in fact, often a joy. But only if they are done out of a genuine heart of humility and good cheer. Not if they are done out of a fear of getting rebuked or shunned.

Part of the problem is this "policing" behavior. It is not something that is explicitly taught by leadership. It's the fruit of the sort of leadership GFC provides. Let me say that again. It is the fruit.

Galatians 5:22-25 [NASB]
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. 26 Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

Apostle Paul makes it very clear what the fruit of the spirit is. If you are living by the Spirit, you should also walk by the Spirit. It's logical to deduce that if you are living by the law, you also walk by the law. Paul also challenges the Galatians to not be boastful, challenging one another, nor envying one another. My opinion is in the sort of legalistic environment that is GFC, there is bred among the sheep and younger members, this sort of environment. Peers "boast" about how so-and-so became staff interns. They do not actually boast, but they "boast" or inform others, reflecting their view that that position is something to strive for. Peers challenge one another (not in a good way) so that they must do works in order to satisfy everyone that they are serious about their walk; they should take all the trainings, go to all the prayer meetings, and not desire certain materialistic goods. And they envy one another in that they see someone "rising in the ranks" and desire to "do" whatever it takes to get there too. So this "policing" goes on. Sure, the person that is being "told on" may very well be doing something unproductive. They may even be sinning. But many times, that is not really the issue. Actually, from my observations, it's usually something like a sister talking to a brother (or vice-versa) a little too much, finding some R-rated DVDs, finding some video games installed, finding that the person has a Facebook account, finding that they have a secret blog. And this is not a direct criticism of GFC leadership, as it is of that individual. Because that person might be so bothered that they are "doing" everything that has been prescribed and playing everything by the GFC "book" that seeing someone not playing by the rules warrants immediate action; they must be "told on."

Again, that's not a direct criticism on GFC leadership, but the model of behavior that is set, by rewarding (praise, recognition) and punishing (rebuke, humiliation) certain behavior is what sets the tone for this legalistic and policing environment. It's a big monster. And the only way to stop the monster is to cut off the head. That's the only way to stop bearing of the wrong fruit, and start bearing "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

Now, GFC leadership may respond with, "of course we don't want our church members to act in such a way or be legalistic like that." And I have also heard many times in the past a call for the stop to any "policing" behavior. Well, the behavior that is produced reflects the direction of the leadership and what is modeled from the top on down. I know GFC leadership has often opted to err on the side of caution and not allow its members to fall too severely and make any huge mistakes. But if you are a parent, you cannot force your kid to wear training wheels forever. You have to take them off and let them fall and scrape their knees, bleed, and maybe even cry. They may even throw a tantrum and want you to put the training wheels back on. But after several falls, cuts, bruises, that child will start riding freely, without any help from you. They will grow and ride without even thinking about it. They will ride with great speed and strength and joy. The problem of legalism is that you're always still "thinking about it," when after a certain while, it should not even be a consideration.

So, if you are a current GFC member, you must ask yourself, "Am I earnestly desiring to know God more?" or "Am I more afraid of getting rebuked or left out of the group?" Be honest with yourself. If it is the former, good for you, forge ahead! If it is the latter, it is time to seriously think about what you are doing.

What Made You Leave Berkland / Gracepoint ?

2009-07-31T13:53:00.005-07:00

From what I have seen, most ex Berklanders and Gracepointers finally take that leap and leave because there is an event that is the "straw that breaks the camel's back." Anyone who has been a solid member of BBC / GFC for a lengthy period of time can handle a ton of stress, lack of sleep, and incessant pressure. But if you're anything like me, it's only a matter of time before you either explode or have a nervous breakdown.

For me that "event" was not one single event, but it was a person. This person was someone I served on staff with. That person becoming the leader in our group was the "event" that started my exit. In short, this person would just not stop riding me. I could not have any peace. It was like they were channeling Kelly Kang - everything I did was wrong. I did make mistakes, but I really felt I was about to have a nervous breakdown. Looking back, they were doing what they were trained to do, and IMO part of their motivation was probably to avoid getting rebuked by P.Ed or Kelly. I can't really blame this person for doing everything they could to keep me in line. Fear is a great motivator, and so is the chance at pleasing leaders that have so much influence in your life. Unfortunately for me, I, in BBC/GFC standards, was not a conformer. That's funny to say, because to outsiders, every core member at GFC is conforming. Haha. So much so that people dress and talk the same. But within Berkland/Gracepoint context, that miniscule non-conformity is a chasm that can make the difference between a "good and faithful servant" and a "goat".

Anyhow, to make a long story short, my "leaving" was not unlike many others' experiences. It was a complete shock to my peers, friends, and younger ones that looked up to me. I was also not kidding about almost having a nervous breakdown. Actually, I've witnessed past members being taken to the brink, one even being pushed so far and with so much stress that something just snapped and this person was never mentally the same again. So much so that they had to take medication to be under control for the unpredictable manic behavior, post-trauma.

I have recently been stirred up by a comment on another ex-GFC blog. The part that upsets me is that it was reported that we ex-BBC/GFC bloggers are stubbornly refusing to acknowledge changes at GFC. This is of course second-hand, but it was commented that P. Ed "said that the bloggers seem to have a particular image of the way Gracepoint used to be in their heads and that they do not want to admit that Gracepoint has changed since then". This is not true! This was part of my response to the commenter:

Nyoron, from my point of view, you are a current GFC member and you have only been there 2 years. Yet you already see problems. These concern you enough that you investigate here on these blogs, and they make you unsure. Sure, every church has its share of problems. Even post-BBC/GFC, I saw problems in church leadership elsewhere. But not every church, and not as severely as GFC. I have yet to see proof of any significant change since the split, and the numerous posts of concern by recent ex-members, members, and concerned parents of members, while their opinions may be tainted by the ghosts of BBC-past, still have some validity. They at the very least, do not allow for any redemption of GFC. Not yet, anyhow.

If I really saw some changes, then I would gladly “admit that Gracepoint has changed”. In fact, I know someone (who was a member during the old BBC days) who went back to visit after the split, because she/he was hopeful that things had perhaps changed for the better at GFC. There had been rumors that things had changed post-split. But this person came back realizing that things at the core were the same. Nothing had really changed at the core, according to them.

So what is my view on this? It’s pure damage control by GFC leadership. The split from BBC is in part, IMO, an attempt at separating itself from “Berkland” and its bad reputation among Christian circles. But GFC has deep deep roots in Berkland and that separation cannot be accomplished in this short a time, not unless there are some real changes at the core of the leadership’s thinking, or all the “roots” are dug up.

It is too early to say that GFC has “changed” because I still see much evidence to the contrary.

On a separate note, I also think it is quite amusing, the unexpected and somewhat welcome (at least by me) semi-alliance between Hamcycle, Makestraight, and I. I wish 1vois posted more often. My blog is newer and less frequent then most of those guys, but we don't have to even know each other to be (mostly) aligned in our view of our experience at Berkland / Gracepoint. If you are a fan of the show 24, I feel like people out there view our blogs as the secret organization (the bloggers) that is trying to bring down the government (GFC) in season 7. On the TV show, they also do not know one another in the group. And the truth is, I have no idea who the other ex-BBC/GFC bloggers are. We all just crossed paths because of our common (painful) experiences at Berkland / Gracepoint. And... we're not on the wrong side. In fact, no one's on the wrong side. This is not an us vs. them thing. This is a truth thing.

But if I were to make a guess, I would guess that Hamcycle is older than I am, Makestraight is younger, and 1vois is older and maybe a female. Not sure, but those are my hunches. Wouldn't it be funny if I found out the identities of these other bloggers and discovered that I once hated them while I was at BBC/GFC? It's not improbable. Ha!

Sorry for that tangent, but if you are out there, and you would like to share what events led you to finally muster up the courage to leave Berkland /Gracepoint, please feel free to post here. You can post anonymously. I am not tracking IP addresses or anything like that. Or you can email me at oldernwiser99 at g mail dot com. Thanks for reading.

The Burdens That We Carry...

2009-07-24T19:53:00.002-07:00

I posted this comment on another Ex-GFC/BBC blog a while back, but a recent conversation with an old friend made me think about it again and repost. Here is the comment I posted in response to another comment:

I think one of the biggest burdens that ex-BBC/ex-GFC feel is the people that they helped produce, that are still at GFC, repeating the vicious cycle of spiritual abuse to their own "sheep". When I read the comment above from the former youth girl and her hard feelings for former youth teachers, and then Randy's response, it makes me think about other current leaders at GFC that I know I had a big part in bringing into that fold, many years ago.

For me personally, one of the reasons I left was because of the way my own leaders wanted me to to handle my "sheep". I sometimes went along with their suggestions after a certain point, you just have to trust their leadership. What I failed to acknowledge at the time was my conscience telling me that they were not treating these people right, or with love and respect. But you all know how it is when you are in the thick of BBC/GFC. You question and doubt yourself constantly, and it's not until you leave and some time passes that you get some perspective.

It's hard not to blame yourself. But something that everyone should realize is that it's not your fault. I really hate to play the victim card, especially after all the sermons we heard about the victim complex in society. I believe that we are all responsible and accountable for our own lives. But this was a special situation with a unique sociological pathology. We were indeed victims.

For years, I felt awful and guilty for bringing people into that church. How I probably changed the trajectory of their lives. Then, I step back and think about how arrogant and egotistical that sounds. Things happen for a reason, often completely out of your control. If you are struggling, keep going, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I also hate clichés, but... what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. The reason they are clichés is because they have some truth to them. I was so weak, broken, depressed, and lacking in self-esteem post-BBC/GFC. But I find that I am so much stronger today because of all of that.

Do I Know You?

2009-06-16T19:18:00.005-07:00

It's amazing to me to the amount of comments, posts, emails, etc. that I get asking me, "Are you ________?"

I guess I don't get a huge number of inquiries, but that is one thing I absolutely did not expect from doing this blog. I think it's important to point out that even though people are generations apart, their painful experiences at Berkland and Gracepoint are eerily similar. I find that to be very interesting!

The fact that someone who I clearly never knew at Berkland/Gracepoint, and would never have had the chance to meet because of the rather large gap in years, emails me asking if I am such-and-such, is bittersweet. It's bitter because my time there seems like a lifetime ago and yet the same abuses are going on with new crops of college students at Cal. I find this quite disheartening. But sweet in that they can find some sort of resource - someone, anyone - that they can talk to or even vent about GFC with and not feel so alone. I know I felt very alone post-Berkland/Gracepoint. I wish I had someone to talk to back then.

That is why I keep this blog up and that is why I encourage other ex-BBC/ex-GFC sites to not shut down. It's all part of the healing process, anger and all.

Married Ex-Berklander/Ex-Gracepointers

2009-05-28T19:47:00.004-07:00

Anyone out there a married Ex-Berklander/Ex-Gracepointer couple?

Not a couple who got married while at Berkland/Gracepoint, and then left. I'm talking about couples who are ex-BBC/ex-GFC and met or got together *after* they had both left the church. Nor am I talking about couples who left the church so that they could be together. I'm talking about people who found each other as ex-Berklanders/ex-Gracepointers.

The reason I ask is because I am curious how this has affected your relationship in a positive and negative way. Did it help? Did it hinder? Do you like that you found another ex-BBC/ex-GFC? Does it even cross your mind anymore?

Please comment, anonymously even! I'd love to hear what you have to say on the matter, and what you think about your marriage in light of how crazy the dating/marriage stories were at Berkland/Gracepoint.

Not Everyone Shunned Me Post-BBC/GP

2009-04-24T23:31:00.003-07:00

It's amazing how quickly things changed with my "friends" at church, after I left. I wasn't shocked, because I had been on both ends. I had shunned people who had left before I did. Not on purpose, but that's the kind of culture it was there. It was often weird and awkward when seeing someone who "had left," and everyone just assumed that whoever left: 1) had lots of problems, 2) wanted a worldly life, or 3) was really backsliding. No, I wasn't shocked by the treatment I'd received, but at the same time, I wasn't prepared to deal with it at all.

However, during all this turmoil, I still kept in touch with one friend. A roommate of mine during my years at Cal. This person is one of the most genuine, kind, giving people I knew, and was a great listener. At least to me. While most of my "friends" at church either tried to: 1) convince me to return, or 2) ridicule or criticize my decision with some anger/disgust, this one friend just listened to what I had to say. During that very low and lonely time in my life I was very grateful to have anyone to talk to at all. We still talk to each other to this day. Not as often as we'd like, but we're still true friends.

As time passed, my one Berkland-Gracepoint friend and I kept in touch often, and this person would often confide, in me, their struggles and doubts about their own faith and and commitment within the church. I never encouraged thought like this, they initiated these conversations. What really saddened me was that they felt that they could not tell this to their leaders at Berkland. They only confided in me, and kept it a secret that they even talked to me. This saddened me greatly, because as much as I had felt alone post-Berkland, this person was feeling just as alone within Berkland, maybe even more. They were always feeling like a disappointment or a failure. I could remember feeling that way all th etime the year before I had left, it was miserable.

I truly think highly of my friend, but since they were not wholeheartedly agreeing with everything the church does, and because this person does not fit into the typical mold of how Berklanders/Gracepointers rise up in the ranks and grow in the church culture and leadership, they are often thought of as a "floater". It didn't used to be this way for them. They were a core member. But as most exBBCers and exGPers know, things are always peachy in the beginning and often though college graduation. Of course, there are some ups and downs and some harsh rebukes here and there, but overall good. This is someone who has faithfully attended and participated in everything. Has studied everything prescribed through the numerous trainings. Has served a tremendous amount, just like any other church member, but because they just don't quite mold to the ideal Berklander/Gracepointer the way the leaders wanted, they "must have a problem".

I often told my friend to just be honest with their leaders, 1/2-knowing that this was a no-win situation. It would only lead to the leader's apology/rebuke (guilt-laced fake apologies), or a call for repentance and some fervent prayer for their unbrokenness. I knew it was what they faced, but I didn't know what else to say or recommend, I just listened. Because you see, I make it my own personal policy to never encourage or recommend anyone to "leave Berkland/Gracepoint". Why? Because nothing can prepare you for the pain, trauma, and emotional seige of that experience. I can't force someone into that. That decision has to be your own, and it should be made with a lot of thought and consideration. Some people are actually very happy at Gracepoint. That's fine. But if you're struggling and burnt out, and you feel like you are always looking over your shoulder for leaders or other peers policing you, it's time to think about your life and what you are doing. Do you have joy? Manipulative groups control your joy and sadness. Do you have joy in Jesus Christ? In your salvation? Or is your joy based on approval from the church and the leaders? Think about it.

My friend is still at Gracepoint. Married to another GPer who I know as well. Once you get married within the church it just gets more complicated doesn't it? I am extremely extremely glad I did not end up married within the church. I would have felt so trapped. I'm not saying all couples at GP feel trapped. But that exists too.

I'll save the topic of romance and dating within Gracepoint for another day. I'm not going to open that can of worms right now.

All I have to say to my friend is that I only wish you the best and I love you as a sister/brother, and want you to be happy and at peace. To my friend (and the rest of you who are currently struggling), you are not a failure. Rejoice in God's grace, for He makes all things new.

Snap Out Of It

2009-04-22T15:37:00.003-07:00

One of the things I heard over and over from Kelly Kang while I was at Berkland / Gracepoint was, "Snap out of it!"

That, in essence, was often the prescription for addressing the internal issues and turmoil that stirred within everyone. Of course, this was followed by a lot of repentant prayer and reflection. Of course, prayer and reflection is a good thing. But telling someone to "snap out of it" is a very Dr. Phil approach to real problems. The thing I dislike about Dr. Phil, is that he often tells you to just shape up. He also sort of yells and admonishes you for acting the way you do. To tell someone to just "snap out of it" is akin to trying to force yourself to think a certain way. It's a form of self-hypnosis and brainwashing. It's ignoring the problem and burying it.

I wish life was that easy. If I could just "snap out" of every funk, struggle, internal conflict, or trauma that came along, my life would be a lot easier. Telling someone to "snap out of it" implies that:

1) it is all your fault

2) your problem is sort of trivial and easy to solve

3) there is nothing wrong with what the church or church leadership did to contribute to that person's struggle

I want to encourage people out there that are really struggling, that feel like they are alone in their thinking, that they are failing as a Christian, to listen to your heart and your conscience. Don't just bury your fears and your feelings. Be honest and true to yourself, and resolve your feelings so that you are at peace. If you stay at GP or not - that is not the point. The point is to address your thoughts and feelings, fully, and not just try to pray it out or pray it away. Don't use prayer as a sort of chanting so you can force yourself to think a certain way. Don't do that. When you pray you are communicating to God, it's not supposed to be some self-brainwashing. Unfortunately, I believe many people use prayer to do that.

To be fair, I do believe some people have real issues with narcissism and other characters flaws where they just need a wake-up call. But, I've witnessed that telling someone to "snap out of it" was the prescription for a myriad of legitimate and complex issues.

Getting Rocked: The Spiritual Badge of Honor

2009-03-15T03:46:00.005-07:00

"I got rocked."

Something that I heard often after someone was on the receiving end of a harsh rebuke. Let's be clear, rebuking sessions at Berkland/Gracepoint are not fun. In fact they are down-right humiliating and induce a lot of guilt-driven repentance. And, to be fair, if you're being rebuked, there is a fair chance that you did do something wrong... or not (e.g. - this post). But does this type of rebuking do more harm than good? I say it is extremely damaging! It is the reason why many people who leave feel so traumatized.

I'm not going to get into the correct, or Biblical way to rebuke, for that material is abundant. But let's talk about the culture of "getting rocked" at Berkland / Gracepoint. I'm not sure who started calling getting rebuked, "rocked," but it really turns something negative into something of a badge of honor. Again, it is often a horrible, humiliating ordeal. You sit there, being yelled at, belittled, guilt being heaved upon you, sometimes getting tag-teamed by two or three leaders. And, actually, most people (including myself) have said immediately afterward that it was a positive experience, because they equated it with being loved. I have no doubt that leaders often agonize over what to do or say when contemplating a rebuke. But simply put, the ends do not justify the means.

Looking back, it is very disturbing to realize that I have seen many, soon after getting rebuked, smugly proclaim that they "got rocked". Why? After all, there was a lot of yelling, most likely some crying, and maybe some forced fervent and desperate prayer. To put it very simply, in the spiritual economy of the Berkland / Gracepoint ecosystem, getting rocked is like getting audited and passing. Yes, finally, what you did caught up to you, it got addressed by the leaders, and if you repent, you have a small stamp of approval. Enough stamps and certifications and you will be qualified to move on up the ranks. To be fair though, some people just need to get corrected more often, because frankly, they just screw up a lot. However, my opinion is that there is too much guilt-driven manipulation and fearmongering, and not enough careful correction. Also, I've even seen leaders refer to how they got rocked by Pastor Ed or Kelly with a smug smile. Not always, but I've seen it.

You see, this behavior is modeled for other church members and it starts to become apparent that unless you get rebuked, the leaders must not care about you, or think of you much. Very silly, I know, but I know this is true because people have confided in me that they feel this way. I'm not making this up. Of course, they are not trying to get rebuked on purpose (who wants that?), but there is a really unhealthy element of the culture that I believe is one of the root causes of the spiritual abuse at Berkland / Gracepoint. Just like a victim of domestic abuse, you tolerate more and more emotional damage, and begin to rationalize, because in the end they supposedly love you. In reality, the abuser needs to control and manipulate you. If the abuser fails to do that, they rationalize by saying, "they don't love me and I guess I never loved them." At this church, it is the same, because if you do not respond to rebuke, you are spiritually desolate and they cannot shepherd or love you. For fledgling believers, it is very hard to know the right thing to do or how to respond, especially if you are a young impressionable college kid.

As for group rebuking sessions, that is a whole different can of worms. Becky is probably the worst when it comes to public humiliation and "calling-out" of specific people. This behavior was modeled and filtered down, though. I'm not going to comment much about this right now, except that this is a very effective way of instilling fear, and strengthening manipulation.

This is how you move hundreds of young people to mobilize quickly, efficiently, and without much complaint or deviance. Believe me, I would love to say everything is done out of a passion for Christ, but it is often not, not by most. The irony is, that on numerous occasions, I've heard a rebuke about not doing things out of a love for God and others, but the result is that people act because they do not want to get rebuked again. It's a vicious cycle.

The Search For A New Church

2009-02-13T10:22:00.004-08:00

From my observations, there are two very distinct actions that people take after leaving Berkland/Gracepoint. I guess it's obvious that there are really only two, but what I'm saying is that there isn't much "in-between" from what I've seen. It's either one extreme or the other.

1. Leave Christian life altogether and live the life of a practical atheist/pagan

[1] can be explained many ways. But if you ask me, it's not as simple as "He/She was never saved." There is a lot of psychological and emotional trauma that went on internally. If, at the end of their time at Berkland/Gracepoint, they were caught up in going through the motions and living to simply please their leaders and not Christ alone, throwing themselves back into "Church life" could be a very difficult thing to do. That's because of the association of these actions to a lot of guilt. That's right guilt. It could take a long spiritual rehabilitation.

What's unfortunate is that when leaders or core members of Berkland/Gracepoint see this new "wild pagan" behavior, they write it off as "he/she was never really that committed," or that "it was clearly a lifestyle choice for them, not a spiritual one." And while I can grant that this is true for some cases, for many who spent significant amounts of time and energy being a part of that Berkland/Gracepoint family, that simply is not true. And it is not fair. It sure is convenient to say such a thing to your congregation though, isn't it? Sorry, I guess that is not fair of me to say either, but think about it.

2. Search for a new church

[2] is also common. But this can also have many motives. There can be genuine hunger for another church family and others to worship with. There can also be an underlying subconcious need to "prove them wrong" by not living the life of a pagan and finding another church right away. Or, there may simply be a void that needs to be filled with a new community of people and Church life is all you know. Whatever the reason, this process is very hard, especially if you had been at Berkland/Gracepoint for some time.

Why? For starters, you will start comparing, especially when it comes to teaching. Berkland/Gracepoint leaders do a good job in teaching in a way that gets everyone to "know the Bible." In my humble opinion, there are other areas of church doctrine or tools for spiritual life that are lacking, but strictly speaking, the teaching on what is in the Bible is relatively solid. I'm no expert and no, I do not have an M.Div or anything, I'm just comparing from my own experiences.

Secondly, a lot of churches have flaws. Churches are filled with human beings. Human beings that are sinners. So to those who leave and think they will automatically be happy somewhere else, I say, "it's not that easy, folks." If you do find a good new home, that is wonderful, and you are indeed lucky. But for a lot of people they have to search and search and soul search, until they feel at home elsewhere. You could end up at some place where the leadership is super conservative, dogmatic, and very political! Not uncommon!

I guess what I am wanting to communicate is that you should not be so quick to judge a person's actions after they have "left Berkland/Gracepoint." I can remember when saying or hearing that someone "left" church was such a big deal. It's not. In the grand scheme of things, it is not. It's a big step, sure, but God-willing, life is long, and there is still a long road ahead.

I haven't written in quite a while, but there have been a lot of things going on in my personal life so I haven't had much time to focus on this stuff. But I met someone recently who not-too-recently left Gracepoint and I guess it was on my mind.

No Bitterness

2008-07-30T17:11:00.001-07:00

I honestly do not have any bitterness toward Berkland/Gracepoint. I may have been hurt at one point and time, and maybe gone through some trauma, but I was never really bitter. I actually think I came out a better person for having gone through it. I don't have many regrets at all. I can only say that because I've gone through my own healing process.

I guess there are a lot of Ex-Berklander/Gracepointers out there that come off as bitter. I can understand that. I personally think most of those people need more time to heal. I became accutely aware of this "bitterness" perception when I discovered that one of my co-workers was a KCPC alum. My co-worker asked me where I went to school and the conversation went something like this:

"Where did you go to school?"
"I went to Cal."
"Really? So did I."
"Yes, graduated in XXXX."
"Oh, we were there around the same time! Did you go to church at Cal?"
"Yes, I did. Did you?"
"I went to KCPC. You?"

I paused.

"Well, I went to the anti-KCPC."

They paused.

"No way... you went to Berkland? Hey... are you OK?"

They were being totally serious. I assured them that I was just fine. =)

Sometimes I will run across news or hear through the grape vine about people that I used to mentor at BBC/GP, or "sheep" that I helped bring into the BBC/GP fold. They are becoming leaders, church planting, and whatnot. I think it's great. If you are at BBC/GP and you are happy and it works for you and your faith walk, more power to you. I never actively discourage people that I know or meet from going to Gracepoint. I merely say, "It's great for some people, but definitely not for everyone."

My heart really goes out to people who currently feel that they are stuck at Gracepoint. I know you are out there. I know you are dying to talk to someone about it. Someone who will not judge or rebuke you, but just listen and understand. Still, others are just feeling a big internal struggle and conflict inside. I know that what it feels like to think you are not saved because of these struggles. I know how it feels to dismiss these feelings as part of your "un-brokenness" and sin. I know how miserable you feel when it seems like all your leaders are doing is rebuking you lately.

I just want to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. Be honest with yourself and don't let it burn you up inside. Don't feel so defeated.

Please feel free to comment. I read them and it's nice to know that people are out there reading and relating. Post anonymously if you have to. I understand. =)

Sleep vs. Diligence

2008-07-17T11:00:00.001-07:00

I love sleep. When I left Berkland, one of the first things I did was sleep. I don't remember enjoying sweet sleep as much as I did during that time. It's because Berklanders don't sleep. Your days (and nights) are full of activity. Granted, it's called a "full/abundant life" by some, but there were so many days when I would have gladly paid for sleep. I felt guilty sleeping. Even a semi-normal 8 hours was considered a bit overindulgent.

Of course too much is not good, in any case. But I remember that while I was at BBC/GP, any free time that I would come into, I would just sleep. It was that precious. And after I left, oh it felt so good! Proverbs 6:9-11 would hinder me no longer...

9 How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?

10 A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

11 and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man

How many of you remember that one? :)

One thing that my training at Berkland really prepared me for was work life and career. I was (and am) very diligent and thorough. Well, I try to be anyway. But if you have ever been a part of any service at church... ever written journal entries or daily devotional sharing, prepared any sort of teaching or training materials, helped out with Christian Festival, singing contest or whatever celebration, bought and prepared food for a large group, moving, worship service setup, church cleaning, etc. etc... well, you can handle the work load at your job. You know what needs to get done, how to do it quickly, and you get it done thoroughly. In any big group, logistical nightmares abound. and you have to be efficient.

However, I still love sleep and try to not deprive myself too often.

:)

Making the Transition

2008-07-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt that "leaving Berkland/Gracepoint" was probably one of the most difficult times in my life. Everyone who has done this knows full well, how hard it is. What makes it harder though, is that current BBCers/GPers have no clue. When I did decide to leave, I knew that it was going to be tough. But I had no idea just how tough, and for how long. It turned out to be a year full of depression and loneliness before I even thought about moving on.

I had been on the other side of the fence. I as a former Berklander had seen other Berklanders leave and I had some disdain for them. But what really shocked and surprised me, was when I was on the other side. And just how cold and hurtful BBCers/GPers were when they saw you. I knew it wasn't going to be all peachy. But nothing can prepare you for the dramatic change in your life once you have "left" Berkland. To be fair though, some of the older leaders that I had been very close to did seem genuinely concerned when they did see me, but overall, it was a horrible experience. People that you had once prayed and cried with, totally ignoring or dismissing you.

The worst feelings were the ones of disdain from BBCers/GPers that saw me post-Berkland. Like you were a terrible, gluttonous, hedonistic, or pathetic person. Rumors flying around about how much you have gone astray or how how far you have fallen. Well... when you have your whole life and "family" ripped from you in an instant, left alone and friendless, you tell me how to deal with it. Sure, I binged on TV, movies, media... I went out and started to drink. Of course, I never became an alcoholic, but I didn't know how to deal with it. At first I did nothing, I was too depressed. But eventually I did anything to help me cope with that emotional trauma. Looking back, I probably could have used some real counseling or therapy. But what did I know back then?

Anyhow, for me it was about a year of solid depression. I did very little. And even after that year, I started to just begin to see some sparks of new life. It took some more years to climb out of that hole. Even now, years and years later, even though I have moved on and feel great about my life, every now and then certain feelings get triggered and come back. And I guess that is why I started this blog.

It feels very therputic and cathartic.

I know someone out there is reading this that can relate. I just want you to know that you're not alone.

P.S. - My last post about an ex berklander convention... I'm sure this has been happening on a much smaller scale. I've experienced it. But to be honest I don't think about BBC/GP or how much that experience "traumatized" me or anything. I don't think about it much anymore. I'm a little older and a little wiser now. And I'm happy.

Ex Berklander Convention

2008-06-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I think there are enough ex BBCers/GPers that we could have our own convention.

Actually, I think a meetup/reunion, as bittersweet as it would be, but be kinda fun and interesting. Can you imagine the conflict of emotions that would run within each one of us? Haha... I think it would either be really weird or really really fun. Probably both.

Keith Green, my favorite Christian songs, and my Faith

2008-06-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

I've always loved Keith Green's music.

I actually started listening to Keith Green in high school, one of my friends introduced me to his music in high school youth group. So to my delight, when I had started attending BBC/GP, the church really loved his music. Everyone sings heartily at Berkland. That's one of the things I liked a lot. I could not believe everyone (and I mean everyone) was singing! And so loudly! Anyhow, I like almost all of Keith Green's songs, but here is my favorite Keith Green song of all time (Steve Green did a remake of it which I really like as well):

Grace by Which I Stand

Lord, the feelings are not the same,
I guess I'm older, I guess I've changed.
And how I wish it had been explained, that as you're growing you must remember,
That nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus.
I know that I would surely fall away, except for grace, by which I'm saved.

Lord, I remember that special way,
I vowed to serve you, when it was brand new.
But like Peter, I can't even watch and pray, one hour with you,
And I bet, I could deny you too.
But nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus.
I'm sure that my whole life would waste away, except for grace, by which I'm saved.

But nothing lasts, except the grace of God, by which I stand, in Jesus.
I know that I would surely fall away, except for grace, by which I'm saved.

That pretty much sums up my Christian walk throughout my entire life. I enjoy Christian music and singing songs during worship, and singing by myself especially. I had a very hard time listening to Christian songs after I left Berkland. It was because of this all-or-nothing mentality that I had about Berkland. I had this notion that if I left the church, something was deeply wrong with me. It was not something that I could resolve within myself. So I felt very guilty and hypocritical when I tried going to a new church, and I especially felt this way listening to Christian songs that I had loved so much. I felt a lot of conflict within me. It got me very depressed.

I know this seems very basic to other Christians out there -- that we are saved by grace and not works, and that we are atoned for and made righteous by Christ's sacrifice... past, present, and future. But when I was at Berkland, I simply could not disassociate my involvement in the church with my standing before God. I knew it in my head, but my emotions and actions told a different story. And this is why most ex Berklanders have a traumatic exit with the church. Some recover, and others who cannot resolve this inner conflict act out in extremely negative ways. Maybe they were never saved, maybe they are, but many are very scarred and tramatized. One thing is for sure though: only God knows.

My old youth pastor used to tell me that there are three big surprises when you get to Heaven -

1) "Wow! I'm here!"
2) "Wow! You're here!"
3) "Oh... but where is ......???"

Ain't that the truth.

Another favorite song of mine. A Heart Like Mine by Bryan Duncan. I listened to this song a lot in college. The theme of unworthiness is something I sort of twisted post-berkland, but that I resolved within myself and though Christ's atonement as I healed.

A Heart Like Mine

Of all the hearts in the world
I've only one to give
So insecure, a desperate pulse
Racing to Your embrace
That You could want me and seek me
Is more than words could ever say
That You would love me and see in me
A pearl of price, thrown away

Chorus
A heart like mine
How could it be worthy that You'd find
A way to redeem this hardened clay
Twisted and broken
Oh Father God above
The wonder that You'd love a heart like mine

Your holy hands hold me still
Shaping my heart anew
Once vacant shell now reclaimed
Offers its praise to You
The one who searched till You found me
A wounded lamb whose gone astray
You stopped the world to recover me
Oh Lamb of God, the price You've paid

Repeat Chorus

I make my promise to
Do the one thing I can do with abandon
I can give every heartbeat to You

Repeat Chorus twice

Here's a song that is dear to me. One day I realized that above all... above any hurt, any bitterness, whatever happened to me, whatever I went through, in the end... God is sovereign. There is healing, redemption, and forgiveness through the cross. One day, as I was driving, it finally hit home to me as I was listening to this song, and I started to weep. My standing before God has not changed. Now now, or when I was at Berkland, or since the beginning of time. And no one can change that or take that away. I'm a sinner but God saved me. That's it. I still get watery eyes whenever I hear this song.

Above All

Verse 1
Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Verse 2
Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind the stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

(Verse 1)
(Verse 2)
(Chorus)
(Chorus)

Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Lastly, here is a song that helps me heal. Therapy and healing is something we must do, but ultimately that healing comes from God. If you're not there yet, that's OK. I don't want to preach. I'm just sharing here... "Not because of who I am, But because of what you've done. Not because of what I've done, But because of who you are." Isn't that great? Very liberating...

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

I made links above to mp3 streams of the songs. Hope you enjoy...

Rebuking Sessions

2008-06-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

Rebuking sessions aka "getting rocked" were a source of bitter-sweet... nostalgia? That's how entrenched we got into the Berkland church sociology. Basically it sucks when it is happening to you, but afterward, it's kind of like earning a merit badge. Well, as long as you respond to the rebuking in the correct way. Which, at Berkland/Gracepoint, is to immediately realize your sinfulness and repent without any doubt to your mistake.

Now, that's not to say that your rebuking was not justified. It may have been, it may not have been. There are a lot of gray areas out there, but these things are often put in a negative light. Berkland leaders always err on the side of caution.

There is a lot of psychological manipulation that happens in the church. Not just at Berkland/Gracepoint. But the community at BBC/GP in particular is so tight and isolated from the "outside" that many members get something very similar to Stockholm syndrome. Don't you think?

Anyhow, some of the silly things I saw people get rebuked for:

1) wearing a leather jacket
- Do we all have to wear the Berkland college uniform of a grey Berkeley sweatshirt or Gap polo and jeans?

2) wearing makeup
- Not a lot either, just what a normal female college student at Cal would wear
- And let's face it, it wouldn't hurt some Berkland sisters (sorry!) and as well, some really pretty Berkland sisters were blandified

3) wearing heels / strappy shoes
- It's not like they were wearing clear platform heels...

4) owning a snowboard / going snowboarding
- One guy told me that his leader said to him "I look at your snowboard and it just makes me sick!"

5) playing Starcraft
- Probably not the best use of time, OK, but I know some church groups that use gaming night to fellowship.

6) not being happy and smiling and joyful when helping a sister move her stuff when she wasn't even ready to move when they got there.
- I can't imagine how many Berkland brothers now have back problems from the sheer volume of moves they have done over the years. I heard there was a moratorium on that for a while.

7) not having righteous anger at Interpraise (joint praise and worship time between Christian campus groups at Cal), and looking at it with disdain and as a dishonoring event.
- I remember this. I totally disagreed, but I repented anyway.

8) rubbing Kelly Kang the wrong way or just simply meeting her and being yourself.
- Too many people can testify to this one.

A lot more, but I'll stop for now. I'm starting to feed bitterness vs. having calm reflection. I never thought it was good to dwell on the past, but you do need to learn from it. 90% of therapy is recalling and reflecting on the past.

I hear rebuking stories from lots of ex Berklanders. Sometimes it makes me laugh hysterically, but other times it just makes me sad and sorry.

To be fair though, there were *plenty* of times when I was rebuked justly. I mean, I really did mess up. More often than not, it was from one of the older/wiser leaders. I remember Pastor Ed rebuking me and it being very stern, but he was right. Most of the "silly rebukings" that I mentioned were by the younger/newer leaders.

John Alameda, Pop Culture & Berkland / Gracepoint

2008-05-31T07:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't start this blog to "call out" specific people. I think it's pretty unfair to do that and not reveal yourself. But when it is praise for someone, then why not?

Were you ever a fan of John Alameda? A typical practice in DJing and hip hop music culture, he would sample music from other recording artists and add his own vocal track. Here are two of my favs from his "Soul Food" set:

Track 5 (sampled from "Brandy and Monica - The Boy is Mine")

Track 13 (sampled from "Master P - I Got The Hook Up") <== I like this one

This was the 90's. So go easy on the rap style, people! Hahaha...

Keep in mind, this was not done with all the coolest latest engineering that is the bedrock of current GP productions. John Alameda did this on his own time with his own equipment. No one really even knew about it until he shared it. Then like anything else that was approved and/or hyped up by the leaders, it spread like wildfire. I remember once when I was at the Alcatraz building, and it had recently been discovered by Manny Kim. He loved it, and if anyone can hype something up, it is that guy.

I wish John had more support for his recordings in terms of production and studio mastering. God knows BBC/GP has always had lots of sound engineering nerds (I mean this in a nice way). In my opinion, he's pretty decent and the lyrics are pretty great, but it's pretty obvious that a lot of the topics are BBC/GP-influenced. Not to say they aren't Christian. They totally are, of course. But the topics and phrases are very familiar to BBCers/GPers. He also models his rap and flow after 2Pac, I can tell. Don't you think?

BBC/GP leaders, especially the oldies, historically have always been a bit conservative on pop culture trends. Production-wise, things like Christian Festival, the music and praise band for bible studies and on-campus events, media for presentations and performances... is all very cutting edge. It wasn't always this way. If you are a recent BBCer/GPer, the thought of low-tech is really strange.

Anyhow, with things that are very unfamiliar, the leaders are very wary. There was a time when... IM chatting was banned (Is it still? I don't know.). Individual blogging is discouraged as self-promoting. If someone played music that was a bit too "hard" during events like intramurals or broom ball or ice skating, etc., some leaders would get very worried that it was too much, even though it was music by a Christian artist. BBC/GP has gotten a bit better with that, but they have always been a step behind if they wanted to use pop culture to reach out to young progressive-type people. I can see why some would rather err on the conservative side when it comes to this area, but I really disliked how things were "banned" until one of the leaders such as Kelly SMN finally got around to learning more about it and maybe lifted the "ban". What was with the "banning" anyhow? That really bothered me.

Don't ban. Investigate and educate.

Course 101, 201, 301, Survival Kit

2008-05-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

I went to Berkland a while ago. I took Course 101 when Pastor Ed. Actually when I started school at Cal he was still Ed JDSN. I took Course 201, 301, whatever course or study they made up that semester... I took Survival Kit with Kelly SMN.

And actually, I'd have to say that the material in those courses were pretty great. I think that many of the things that I studied there contributed to my own belief system and world view today. The course materials themselves: rock solid and using the Bible (of course) and outside mainstream Christian sources and literature. It's like the Berkland trump card. "But everything we teach is Biblical." I don't think any Berklander/Gracepointer, past or present, would deny this.

The problem comes in the application of these teachings. Simply put: legalism. Legalism, not in the sense that it determines your salvation or anything related to church doctrine. More as a barometer of your Christian walk and a measure of your commitment. Yes, we all know that actions do speak louder than words. But there is a fine line here that has been crossed throughout BBC history. Of course Pastor Ed and Kelly Kang do not approve of legalism. But they nurture a church culture of legalism and policing by the church members. They don't actively and/or openly do this, but it is nutured and often enforced via your direct leaders or peer pressure/policing. I've even heard many of the leaders discourage this policing behavior. But really, it's talk with no real change from the top down.

Any current hardcore Berklander/Gracepointer will vehemently deny this legalistic policing, not because they are covering it up. But because they really truly believe that it is simple accountability and brokenness to follow up teaching with certain actions.

One positive experience I had though, was during Survival Kit. We had to do a 30 day media fast. Meaning no TV, no movies for 30 days. It was pretty eye-opening. And this was in the 90's! The garbage in media has gotten so much more toxic and since then. I actually do this every now and then as sort of a mini-detox. Try it. No TV or movies for a month. You'll be amazed how much more time you have, how much more you get done, and realize how toxic media can be. You know what they say, "garbage in, garbage out."

I still have all my course materials somewhere. I do intend to keep them.

Oh, and do intend to post some funny anecdotes and stories, but I'm trying not to reveal who I am by doing so. There's somebody out there that will read this and think "Hey! I'm the one that rebuked you in that rebuking session!" or something like that. Then I will be rained down upon with refute after refute after refute of this whole blog and be talked about in staff meetings as a bitter, slanderous ex Berklander, who was fallen so far. Not that it can affect me anymore. But... yeah, I don't know if I want to be the poster boy/girl for the ex Berklanders Support Group. Some current Berklanders/Gracepointers will read this and might think, "Wow... pretty arrogant." So what?

Running Into Ex Berklanders

2008-05-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

It almost always is a positive experience running into ex Berklanders on the street. Especially when it's a been quite a while since you've both left.

As one of my ex Berkland classmates says, going through Berkland together is like going through war together. Now you are old war veterans. So when you reunite you can rehash war stories and have dialog like,

"Hey were you there for the Alcatraz upstairs rebuking of the summer of 95?"
"No but I heard about the sophomore sisters rebuking the spring before. Were you there?"
"Yes!"
"Really? Wow... tell me all about it! I've only imagined what happened!"

I can't really say that I've befriended a lot of ex Berklanders that were not my friends already when we were there. It really is like war veterans who have a reunion and can connect incredibly, but it's also bitter-sweet that it's the only thing you can connect on. I don't think that activity - dwelling and connecting only on past pain... is healthy.

There is a line between doing that and real therapy for yourself, though. It's a very hard thing to do if you are still very angry. I think what helped me later on was to realize that even though the behavior of a group starts from the top down (Ed and Kelly), my direct leaders were younger than I am now. Not to discount the genuine committment of certain people, but do you see what I'm getting at? While I was at Berkalnd, I at many points, did things to please my leaders, gain favor with the staff, or out of pressure to conform to the group and not get rocked/rebuked. I would have vehemently denied this back then. This is a hard behavior to explain unless you've actually been in that sort of a group social dynamic.

Anyhow, I guess the other side of this post is about what happens when you as an ex Berklander run into current Berklanders/Gracepointers. I don't think I need to explain this phenomenon. It was pretty painful. No there is no directive from Pastor Ed where he says, "Thou shalt shun all ex Berklanders you see on the street," no. Actually, I heard there was a directive for the opposite recently. But the fact that there has to be any directive at all, is kind of insane if an objective person was looking at it. Be human.

I do have at least one friend that I keep in touch with that is a current Gracepointer. But as you can suspect, that person has become more "fringe" in recent times. I miss that person.

I do see hate-fest sessions when a group of ex Berklanders gather. But I think the older we get the more we let go of hate and try to learn from it and about who we are in general. Remember what Yoda says:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

I know, I know... =)

Anyone Out There?

2008-05-12T12:00:00.001-07:00

A friend recently showed me a bunch of blogs that were created by ex Berklanders. I read a lot of the posts and responses.

The interesting thing that I observed was that the ex Berklanders were more passionate than they ever were when they were still at BBC. Hahaha... Just kidding. Kinda...

I went to BBC Berkeley for over 6 years and served on the staff. It was an extremely tough time in my life, the period right after I had "left." I felt isolated, abandoned, depressed, and lonely. My heart was broken. But years later, I have healed and am not so much angry as I am thankful that I left Berkland Baptist Church. It's now called Gracepoint, but I actually have one, maybe two friends that still go to Gracepoint. Of course, they still keep in touch with me secretly, because they would get rebuked if the leaders found out. Or at least questioned and made to feel guilty. Maybe be even a "I doubt your salvation" for old time's sake. OK, that was a low blow. To be fair, some good things came out of my time there, but I only wish I'd had the courage and strength to leave earlier.

At any rate, I created this blog not to rant and rail on BBC. Blogging when it comes down it, is really writing. And writing in this way can be healthy and theraputic. But blogs are unique in that you can connect to people that you would normally not. And I think healing happens much more effectively when done with other people who are or have experienced what you have.

I can't help myself but post anecdotes on some of the ridiculous things that happened to me (and others) while I was there though. It's more amusing to me now that I look back. It serves as a warning to outsiders and as a critical perspective to current BBCers/Gracepointers.

No, I was not in Pastor Ed Kang or Kelly Kang's inner circle. I was not that "high up" in the hierarchy. But I knew them and they know/knew me. And I'm sure that a lot of people out there would like someone to talk to or someone to share with. It's really tough to meet non-BBCers that can even begin to understand what happened to us.

More later, but this is a start...